Laugh if you must, but I was one of the gamers who was utterly heartbroken to hear the long-time-coming announcement that Duke Nukem Forever was to be no more. I had long ago accepted the fact that I had been jilted, and that Duke was long gone, probably too busy off kicking alien pseudopods to bother with the likes of starring in another video game. But still inside me, there was a part, a tiny little part, that hoped and prayed fervently that one day, one day the man who thought the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms was a convenience store, the man who cleaned up L.A.'s red-light district with an RPG, the man who is the only person in videogame history to make good on a promise to rip off an enemy's head and shit down his neck, would return for round two of mayhem and carnage. 3D Realms made a believer out of me in 1996, because while everyone else was giddy to death over Quake and its blocky 3D enemies and dull level design, George Broussard and Co. were busy reminding everyone else that the first-person shooter genre should be fun, first and foremost. Duke Nukem might have been a slapdash parody of a number of pop culture icons which dared you not to laugh as it went out of its way to earn every measure of that M 17+ rating the ESRB gave it, but despite the constant tongue-in-cheek references, in-jokes, and fourth-wall-breaking moments, DN3D was a masterpiece of design and prowess in the FPS world which has yet to be topped in my mind. Technologically, there are plenty of games superior to DN3D. Designwise, though, there's Duke and then there's everybody else.

Duke didn't originally grab my attention very much at all. After all, once you've played three incarnations of Doom, seen the Quake demo, played Rise of the Triad, and every other so-called "Doom killer" on the market, what was one more FPS featuring a muscle-bound meathead of a lead going to do for me? As it turned out, plenty. Somehow, Duke managed to walk the fine line between great design and great gameplay like a professional circus acrobat, showcasing all kinds of things that we had never seen before in a first-person shooter. Levels in Duke3D weren't static, but could change in all manner of ways: buildings could collapse, walls could be blown open, sectors could fill up with water or be drained of slime, subway cars could carry you from one destination to another, conveyor belts could drive you around an area, and teleporters could whisk you capriciously from one side of the map to the other. As Duke himself (voiced by noted disc jockey and voice actor Jon St. John) put it, "I ain't afraid of no Quake," a not-so-subtle dig at what would wind up being his biggest competitor of the day.

Part of what set Duke apart from the rest of his contemporaries in the FPS genre was that Duke could do something most other titles could only fantasize about: build levels with true sector-over-sector placement. Technobabble translation: this meant that, unlike Doom, Duke Nukem 3D could actually produce a level where you could run across a bridge, jump off the side, and then run under it as well. Sometimes you could even blow up that bridge, which was especially hilarious when enemies (or your friends) were standing on it at the time. The Build engine made this possible, and was subsequently licensed to a slew of other companies for use in such games as 3D Realms' own Shadow Warrior, Xatrix Entertainment's Redneck Rampage, and Monolith Productions' Blood.

Another thing that set Duke apart was the insanely useful weapon selection available to the player. Sure, Duke had the same pistol, shotgun and rocket launcher that the Doom guy had been toting around for years, but Duke's arsenal went far beyond the standard and actually managed to include a variety of weapons that were all more than just gimmicks or variations on a standard theme. During his vengeance-fueled rampage through Los Angeles and, eventually, outer space, Duke could find pipe bombs that could be remote-detonated for a nasty surprise, laser trip mines that could be used to set booby traps (especially fun in multiplayer deathmatch), a Shrinker that reduced its target down to mini proportions that could then be dispatched with a quick stomp, a Microwave gun that made enemies expand until they exploded, the Devastator (an aptly-named prototype military weapon that rapid-fires small explosive packets with lethal results) and the Freezethrower that could turn an enemy into an icicle with a few judicious shots, ripe for shattering with a well-aimed kick or pistol round. Making weapons fun in addition to functional was a Duke trademark. As if that wasn't enough, Duke also featured an array of useful items he could snap up and deploy later, including scuba gear for underwater exploration, a pair of protective boots which kept him from taking damage while trudging through alien hell slime or lava, the HoloDuke which projected a decoy image of the man himself to distract foes while he got the drop on them, and Night Vision Goggles which allowed Duke to overcome the limitations of darkness by turning everything a lovely day-glo hue until the batteries ran out. And when health kits weren't enough, Duke could always turn to his trusty bottle of Steroids to give him the boost he needed to survive when the chips were down.

Of course, the biggest downside to Duke's gameplay was the fact that while iD's monster new game, Quake, was rendered in full 3D, Duke was struggling to do his best within the limits of the Build engine which, despite the 3D in the game's title, was more accurately described as a 2.5D engine. Enemies were sprite-based like Doom, not polygon models as Quake had. Duke made up for this by having plenty of ways to travel on the virtual Z-axis, including the famous jetpack which allowed him to fly without a cheat code (watch that fuel gauge...it's a long way down), not to mention the ability to jump around and use whatever he could find for steps to get on top of many places. And while Quake might have had the backing of Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor, Duke had his own special music weapon in Robert Prince, the same man who scored all the music for the Doom series, and Lee Jackson who provided music for "Rise of the Triad". Have a listen, and you'll agree that they knew what they were doing.

And that's just the main title theme. You're ready to kick some alien butt too now, right?

Perhaps what set Duke ahead of the pack more than anything else though was the high level of interactivity allowed to the player. Duke didn't just run around destroying everything he saw (well, he could, but that wasn't nearly as much fun). There was a lovely array of options available to Mr. Nukem, from spying on enemies through security cameras, usable toilets and drinking fountains, strippers that flashed their tassels for a tip, and Duke had many comments about his environment, from an awe-struck "Damn!" or "What a mess!" when an enemy bit it in a particularly gory or spectacular explosive fashion on down to an annoyed "Where is it...?" when hunting for a secret door. "I don't have time to play with myself," he muses upon seeing the Duke Nukem arcade game. And in a nod to Trekkies everywhere, Duke reports, "Hmmm...looks like I have the Con," upon taking a seat in the commander's chair.

"We're gonna fry your ass, Nukem!"

-- Unnamed Pig Cop

3D Realms released the source code to Duke Nukem 3D several years ago, and since then, people have been going absolutely insane with making it look and sound better than ever. There are a number of complete source ports and high-resolution packs that turn DN3D into a raging behemoth of a game, kicking the sprites to the curb and replacing them with high-resolution models, updating the music out of the 8-bit MIDI era, and updating the old textures to four times their original clarity. If you've never experienced Duke, this is the way to go; check out Planet Duke for details, tutorials and links. All you need is a registered copy of the game and you're good to go.

But where can you buy a copy of a DOS game that was released thirteen years ago? Glad you asked. Good Old Games will be happy to supply you with a brand spanking perfect version of the Atomic Edition of the game (which is the 3 original episodes plus the fourth from the Plutonium Pak) with no DRM that works just fine under Windows Vista and XP, along with the manual, some nice high-res wallpapers, SMS tones for your phone, and other assorted bits of artwork for a mere $5.99 US. This is fully legal and authorized by 3D Realms, and it's probably the best way to get the game if you own a newer system. GOG.com has much more than Duke Nukem 3D available as well, so if you like classic PC games and need your fix, they've got a catalog that has to be seen to be believed. If you prefer, you can also download a graphically-enhanced version of the original for Xbox Live Arcade on your 360 for 800 MS Points. It comes fully equipped with eight-player Co-Op or Deathmatch, achievements to unlock, the ability to post videos of your own playthroughs for other people to marvel at, and other fun goodies. Read more about it here.

As if all that wasn't enough, there are plenty of add-ons and expansions that were released for Duke, including "Duke It Out In D.C." which puts our hero at the heart of a plot to rescue the President of the United States from his alien abductors, "Duke Caribbean" which finds our protagonist's vacation rudely interrupted by the alien horde who cannot get enough of Earth's women, and "Nuclear Winter" which sends Duke on a mission to the North Pole to straighten out a seemingly insane Santa Claus so that the children of the world will not wake up without presents on Christmas morning. Duke was heavily supported in the user-map community as well, with thousands of maps and total conversions (I recommend the Priss Nukem and Nene Nukem Bubblegum Crisis-themed TCs) developed by people all over the world for your obsessive downloading pleasure. And if that isn't enough for you, Duke comes with the Build editor itself to allow you to make levels for everyone else to muck about in if you're up to the task.

So take yourself a trip back in time to 1996, when DOS was still king of the Operating Systems, and Duke was the king of the PC shooters. DOS may have gone the way of the dodo, but Duke is still there, wearing his crown, even if Duke Nukem Forever never releases. Now, if you'll excuse me, there are babes to be rescued, aliens to be shotgunned, and space stations to be wrecked. Hail to the King, baby.