Most people who have spent any significant portion of time around computers are aware of the style of program known as a "chatbot". This is a simple piece of software programmed with some degree of artificial intelligence that can "interpret" what a user is typing, and then attempt to carry on a conversation with that person. Really good ones can often fool the general public, and every so often, someone will write one and unleash it on some unsuspecting chatroom and then sit back and watch the hilarity that ensues as people get very drawn into conversations with their new-found friend. Often, people won't accept the fact that they had been speaking to a simple computer program, even when presented with direct evidence, and will demand to know who the person behind the keyboard really is.

Of all the chatbots ever programmed, perhaps the most famous one was ELIZA, a sort of computerized shrink who would interact with a user by replying in various ways to questions and statements asked of it with vague responses, requests for clarification, and turning questions asked back on the user asking them. ELIZA also had the propensity to scold people who swore at it, making for some rather amusing reactions. Unlike a shrink, however, ELIZA really couldn't be "shocked". Confessing something to ELIZA never elicited so much as an electronic eyebrow raising: slept with sheep, murdered your family, enjoyed robbing the elderly at gunpoint? ELIZA just wanted to hear more about it, but she'd never scold you, no matter how badly you berated her.

Enter Randy Simon, who decided that computers everywhere should be able to defend themselves from the vile insults hurled at them by their human users. Mr. Simon's response to users to insulted their machines was to give the machines a way to fight back, and thus was born Abuse. Abuse was a simple chatbot, much like ELIZA, except that it was meant to trade insults instead of draw out your inner psyche. Hurl abuse at Abuse, and it threw back any number of assorted taunts, insults, and jibes. My personal favorite? "Go moon a flock of geese!"

For sure, Abuse was pretty limited in its application. You had to load it into memory every time you wanted it to insult you, so it wasn't like you could just install it on someone else's computer then sit back and watch the fun. But still, a computer that could fight back against a torrent of expletives on its own was pretty darn funny back in 1981. Come to think of it, it's pretty funny even in 2009. And if you don't think so...then your mainframe wears army boots.