Are you crazy?

Well, whether you are or not, you should consider the research. For example, did you know that ten out of every ten people polled by Hanwell Mental Institute's top-rated researchers tested positive for at least one mental illness, and eight out of those ten tested positive for two or more? And that three of those remaining eight were found to have a staggering five or more mental illnesses according to the soon-to-be-released DSM-V?

Are you sure you're not crazy? Remember: a classic sign of insanity is refusal to accept the possibility that you might, in fact, be insane.

Hanwell is here to help. While they're not accepting new patients quite yet (doors open in 2013, I'm told), the doctors and staff, as led by the team of completely certified, 100% absolutely sane Senscape developers, are willing to show prospective new inmates...er...patients around the grounds. Perhaps you've read their literature, but you're not sure if Hanwell is right for you. We here at Retrochick's Retroblog (all three of the personalities that have allowed themselves to be identified thusfar, at any rate) want what's best for you. You need help. You need compassion. You need to see why Hanwell makes a difference.

You'll notice the cafeteria features a state-of-the-art sound system, capable of piping in soothing music through those speakers. A beautiful baroque classical sun dome provides generous amounts of natural light. There's plenty of table space, but not so much that you'll feel ostracized from your fellow patients. And with three daily meals, Hanwell's prepared to offer up everything a growing body needs, with almost all special dietary considerations met!

The infirmary was established in 1912, and yet feels as timeless and modern as most hospitals built within the last ten years. You know they're serious about medicine when they have dedication plaques hanging above the doors. Hanwell's been there for 100 years--they'll be around for another 100 as long as they have this kind of solid history behind them.

Hanwell has been featured in all the journals, newspapers, and trade publications as a reputable and noteworthy establishment, with safety and security of both doctors and patients held to the most exacting standards.

At Hanwell, "[C]omfort is job two (since cures are job one)". Safety and security are provided by heavy locked doors with all glass tempered and covered over with thick, metallic gratings. Staff know where their keys are at all times, and are duly reprimanded for leaving them laying about where inmates could find them. And as you can see, the only thing coming between you and a good night's rest is one of Hanwell's custom-designed bed frames, imported directly from the manufacturers in Germany and Poland. A good night's sleep brings you one step closer to a cure!

While we're at it, hygiene is job three, and Hanwell is proud to offer the finest in sanitary shower facilities, with full tile floors and cold water sprays. Best of all, these facilities are open for the use of patients and staff alike, with none of that traditional 'residents get the chaff while the nurses get the wheat' value system.

Sinks, counter tops, even mirrors: all are made of the finest stainless steel, straight from the factories and mills in Indiana, and secured to the floor by industrial-strength bolts, guaranteed to never rust, chip or fade no matter how much abuse they take. Accidents can happen, but Hanwell prides itself on making sure they're as infrequent as a visit from Hally's Comet.

Well, there you have it: a look at the finest our mental health system has to offer. But if this amazing insider look hasn't got you convinced, why not come down for a self-guided tour? You can see a small part of what Hanwell has to offer at no charge, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just head on over to http://www.facethehorror.com/teaser and download the interactive Asylum Teaser today!

Offer expires while you wait. Operators are standing by...