Famitsu Issue 1329 (June 5, 2014)

It's been a couple of days since the Dodgers won the World Series and Japan couldn't be happier.  We even got to watch the end of game 5 during lunch at school.  You know, kind of like how we got to watch space shuttle launches in American schools.  It's that important, what with Shohei Ohtani being a national hero, and all.  A lot of people may think he's so beloved because he's such a great baseball player.  Others may think he's respected because he's so successful - the highest paid baseball player, EVER.

They're wrong, of course.  The reason Ohtani is a hero is because he's somehow managed to overcome the crippling clumsiness that normally afflicts all Japanese males from puberty onward.  The entire nation beams with pride as they watch him walk in a straight line without even once tripping and falling onto a female in a compromising position

or stumbling face first into the crotch of the nearest female wearing a short skirt

or accidentally taking a tumble and saving himself from falling by reaching out and grabbing two handfulls of boobs and clinging on for all he's worth BUT HE TOTALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO THO.

Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about.