Areala Asks: Your Favorite Joke EVER! (20160513)

[Areala]

You've got at least one favorite joke, right? The one that no matter how many times you tell it or think about it, it's still gut-bustingly hysterical? Of course you do! You're a human being (or at least a competent cyborg). So welcome to Areala's Comedy Club, where the stage is open, and the spotlight is about to descend. You've got one chance to make the rest of the forum soil our collective underwear with laughter. Doesn't have to be a piece you made up, although if you're going to quote from a stand-up comic, it would be nice to get attribution if you know who said it originally.

Please try to keep it reasonably clean. A curse word or two is probably OK, and a little bit of adult subject matter is fine as well, but if your joke involves malicious stereotyping or relies on dropping enough f-bombs to blow a hole to Uzbekistan, please pick a different one. Replies and feedback are encouraged, but please post only one joke. If you feel the need to post more, feel free to start your own humour thread.

If something made you laugh, leave a like to show 'applause', and at the end of the week when the thread closes, whoever earned the most applause will walk away with a few hundred extra forum credits! (Retromags Staff not included, so Phillyman, E-Day and I cannot win).

The mic will open at 9:00 AM EST on 13 May, and remain open until 10:00pm EST on 20 May. Get out there and show me what you got! This topic is going up a couple of days in advance so you can research and prepare.

*huggles*
Areala

[twiztor]

my favorite joke to tell:

two guys are golfing. They're out to play a full 18 holes, but the group in front of them (2 females) are slowing down the whole process. these guys put up with it for a bit, and finally decide that one of them should go ask the ladies if they can play through, rather than be held back the entire day.

so the lucky guy walks in the direction of the women, gets about halfway there, stops, and turns around.

he gets back, and the other guy asks what happened. the first guy says that he couldn't go up there. one of the ladies was his wife, and the other, his girlfriend. the second guy will have to go talk to them.

so the second guy walks towards them, gets about halfway there, stops, and also turns around.

the first guy asks what happened now. the second guy says "Same fucking problem."

[Areala]

Two men are dragged before the somber magistrate of a small-town, rural courthouse, with each accusing the other of being at fault in a fight.

"Your Honour," the prosecuting lawyer begins, "I want you to understand my desire to bring this case before you so swiftly. To do so, I wish to enter into evidence every weapon the defendant used to attack my client, who was forced to retaliate in self-defense." The judge nods, and the prosecutor hauls a wheelbarrow up to the bench, and from it withdraws a hockey stick, a broken railroad tie, a pick axe, a dartboard, half a cement block, and then cites the wheelbarrow itself as his final exhibit. "As my client feels the evidence speaks for itself, he requests a prompt resolution to this matter."

"Now just a minute, Your Honour," the lawyer for the defense says. "If it please the court, my client wishes to counter-sue in this matter. He wouldn't have needed to put up such a vigorous defense if the plaintiff there hadn't come at him first. Permission to enter the weapons used by the plaintiff as Defense Exhibits?"

The judge nods, and the defense lawyer drags a large wooden crate from the floor, sets it on his table, and proceeds to unload from it a pair of tongs, a shovel, six darts from a dartboard, a large bag of marbles, and the arm from a storefront display mannequin. "My client also wishes for a speedy resolution to this matter."

The judge looks at both men in turn, examines the evidence, considers the matter quietly for a few minutes, then pounds his gavel and rises up to his full height to address the court. "I believe I speak for every man and woman present here in this courtroom," he intones, "when I say that I would have gladly paid $5,000 to have witnessed this fight."

*huggles*
Areala

[E-Day]

Who is Moby Dick's father?

Poppa Boner.

[miketheratguy]

A white supremacist, a black racist, and an illegal Mexican immigrant walk into a bar...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Sean697]

Ya so most of the jokes I can think of are extremely tasteless. Blond jokes, black jokes, dead baby jokes, you name it. I can't really repeat them. (What can I say I used to buy all the truly tasteless joke books.)

But even tasteless racial jokes have something funny in the, if you remove the negative connotations, or sometimes what is funny is the steorotyopes, even if you don't believe in them. Sometimes I think a part of people's mind enjoys laughing at something they know they shouldn't be laughing at.

So this joke I heard in an email chain about 6 years ago. But it's the one that made me laugh the hardest in maybe the last decade. It's not racism, sexist, or gross. But it is a little raunchy.

The baby photographer.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

[MisterXiado]

The ones I tell only work in person, because they require timing. If you want one suitable to tell to children...

If you have to ask an animal for advice, you should ask a skunk, because they always make (scents).

Truly, the pun is the highest form of literature.

[Areala]

The ones I tell only work in person, because they require timing. If you want one suitable to tell to children...

If you have to ask an animal for advice, you should ask a skunk, because they always make (scents).

Truly, the pun is the highest form of literature.

Kitsunebi's going to love you...

*huggles*

Areala

[Areala]

I refuse to have a thread with so few jokes in it. Y'all are getting more, and that's all there is to it.

* * * * *

Mark's out at the bar with a few of his friends when an older guy, who's obviously been drinking for a bit, staggers up to the table, leans down in Mark's face, and says, "Your mom is a dirty whore."

Mark looks up at the guy for a minute, then blows him off and goes back to talking with his friends. A few minutes later, the guy comes back again and does the same thing. "Your mom's the best lay in town."

This gets some hoots of amusement from the rest of the guys at the table, but Mark still plays it cool, waves the guy off, and goes back to enjoying the night.

A third time, the guy staggers over to the table, taps Mark on the shoulder, so Mark turns around, stands up, and says, "What do you want?"

"To tell you that I had your mom last night," the guy replies. "And holy geezus, was she nasty in bed!"

Now the rest of the table's howling with laughter, so Mark grabs the guy by his shirt, drags him back a couple of steps, gets right up in the guy's face and says, "Dad, you're drunk. Go home!"

*huggles*
Areala

[te72]

Kitsunebi's going to love you...

*huggles*

Areala

Definitely something about the Japanese language that lends itself well to puns. Given that HOW you read a word can give it different meanings, as well as the context of a conversation...

As for me, I defer to my favorite stand up, Mitch Hedberg:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZneT3MbZgsI

That said, I have a whole lot of silly, Laffy Taffy style, tell the kids sort, written down and scattered on a shelf in my closet. A bit tired to try to remember them at the moment, but if anyone is interested, send me a PM and I'll post up a general joke thread we can all post to.