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Mario Figurine Alternatives From the Past

Phillyman

By Phillyman
in Retro Video Gaming!

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Phillyman

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Look at that. Isn't it beautiful? I know I'm getting one. Are you? Oh, you didn't have enough Club Nintendo coins? Well, shoot, I'm sorry. It's OK, though, because you can always hit up the internet for some of Hasbro's Nintendo trophy figures, straight from the late '80s!

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Yes, Nintendo merchandise was quite eccentric back then, featuring everything from Zelda foot lockers to Mario shower heads. These Nintendo "Trophy Figures" were probably the least insane products, though. Besides giving you a lovingly crafted scene direct from Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, or Punch-Out, they also had small labels on which you would write your high scores or some other accomplishment (I have no idea what you were supposed to be rewarded for with the Zelda ones).

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Who knows if anyone was given these ceremoniously -- when I was a kid, I just wanted them because they were freakin' Mario toys. It'd probably be more than a little awkward if my mom and dad were keeping one in the closet until I finally crossed 678,000 points in Mario, and then presented me with the trophy and dinner at a buffet restaurant.

Three things I love about these trophies:

  • The explanatory names they're given, in case you have no idea what the hell is going on in the depicted scenes (and, let's face it: if you're a parent, you definitely wouldn't). They're direct to the point of charming. "Mario Stomps the Goombas." "Bowser Guards Princess Toadstool." "Link Begrudgingly Grinds for Rupees Just So He Can Afford the Stupid Red Ring."
  • They're f***ing violent. OK, Zelda and Punch-Out already have their violent moments, but the Mario ones... wow. Mario stomping on three (presumably innocent) Goombas? Kicking a Hammer Brother right in the chin? Bowser thrashing Peach around? Mario "hurling" a fireball?
    You'd be hard pressed to find any Mario merchandise this interpretive ever again.
  • The incredibly terrible "graphics" on the boxes. Very '80s, yes, but not even good '80s. But I love that.

So, chin up. You could have some shiny figurine of the Mario cast, or something actually badass. Or Mario getting goosed by a Blooper.

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Pictures: The Mushroom Kindom, Nintenmildo

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